{Moving On}

Since I went back to work in the fall, time has hardly stood still.  In August, a week before school started, our pup, Addy, lost control of her hind legs one morning. I was devastated. It was horrible to watch and knowing her mind was there and her body was not, made it even worse.  Aaron took her to the doctors. The resident doctor asked if she had been hit by a car, because her spine and back end was bad.  The doctor gave her some miracle drugs that allowed her to gain control. But unfortunately this was only temporary.

Addy came along a year before Aaron and I got married in 2007.  We drove out on a cold day to a little town in Indiana. The town looked like it was something out of a movie. Curvy roads, and one hill where you could over look the town of small sections of farm land outlined by fences and little white churches with steeples to a perfect point. We arrived at a small home and ahead of us was a fenced in yard with grass that had yellowed from the cold wet weather. Out through the mud barreled a feisty pup begging to be taken home. I remember noticing her tail right away. It was an odd stub of a tail, much longer than most Rottweilers. She was overall a little ragged. But we came with a warm blanket; how could we walk away? We knew we could give her a good home. Doesn't every dog deserve one? 

Aaron and I didn't ask many questions, he got her papers, and off we went to the vets.  When we arrived, this fierce, but happy, puppy ran in through the door. She got checked out and we were pretty much told right away that Addy probably had the mange-she just looked really rough. But she was okay; she got her shots and away we went.  This was the beginning of our family. 

Over the next couple of years, Addy watched us study for our college classes, went for daily walks, drives in the Jeep, and weekend camping trips. She gave us a run for our money some times. She was loving but was not afraid to share how she felt.  We treated her like our baby, pressing her paw into clay and proudly displaying it in a shadow box frame. She was our guard dog, companion, and first child. She was our O' Hana. 

I have to say I'm sad I lost time with her when I was in the hospital waiting for the twins to be born. She saw me one morning and then didn't see me for months until I walked in with not one baby, but two. I missed out on cuddles and talking to her about the babies coming. Addy was so excited the day I arrived and walked in the door. I remember her closely following up the stairs because I was so eager to see the nursery Aaron and our family put together. We now had a new family with Addy. We had a much bigger family in which she loved and protected.













When the meds started to not work anymore, Aaron put the call in the doctors. They explained there was nothing more they could do. The next morning was going to be "It."  My mom told me I had to be strong for her. It took everything I had not to cry over her so instead we cuddled and we all loaded up in the van for her very last car ride . The kids were having fun, Addy was smiling like she did whenever we were traveling together. It killed me inside.

The next day, we dropped the kids off at my parents house. Aaron and I drove back to Indiana with her one last time to the vets.  At this point, she wasn't able to move very much at all. She was happy, cuddly, and we sat in the back end of our van with her. We talked to her, rubbed her, and gave her big hugs. I've never done anything so hard in my life.

Landen and Caroline ask about Addy all the time. They say, "Addy sick Mommy?" out of the blue. Right after her passing they would ask if she was in the van. I love that they still remember her and ask about her.  It's much easier now thinking about her, I swear I still see her out by the fence in 'her' spot. I hope they somehow can remember her as they get older. Every day I drive up my parents drive and she's there on my left side  to "say hello to." She loved their yard.

This Christmas, I pulled out the box of decorations marked Garland and Stockings.  I was so excited, as they are the first things I like to put up on our mantle. I sifted through to find the stockings and came across Addy's. After having been forced to move on from her passing because of our hectic busy life, I couldn't help but pause and think of the past Christmases Aaron and I had shared with her before kids.  I placed it on the mantle this year for Riley to use so I could have a piece of her with me.

2014 was a difficult year for many people, joyous for others, and  a mix of both for some.  Our year, I would say, was a mix. It's very easy to become caught up in the tragedy of the world and the loss of those who are still very dear to our hearts-people and pets. While we have to let ourselves grieve, I find we have to find a way to move on. If I didn't have work and a busy household to run, I probably would have had an extremely difficult time. Moving on DOES NOT mean forgetting. It means we hold them so close to our hearts that we know they are with us daily while we make new memories with our family and friends around us and hopefully we will cherish those memories more than we would have ever before.

While I miss those sweet puppy-brown-eyes gazing into mine as well as that somewhat silent companionship, I know in 2015 I need to make sure I give my best to Riley, our Chocolate Lab, and I need to continue moving on....I hope for any of you Mommas who have or are experiencing loss will find peace in 2015.


Danielle